Day 169: Comic Relief

Let's face it: when 90% of Hollywood was wiped out most of the survivors were glad of it. Reality TV suddenly took a way back seat to actual reality. But now months later, citizens of the wastelands are once again turning on their screens to be entertained by stand-up comics and strangely quaint TV shows. The ring master of this new wave of fun is none other than the funniest surviving comic on the continent, Jon Lajoie.

Long believed captured by a tribe of savage horny Amazon warriors in the first days of armaggedon, Jon has in fact been underground reviving the very same art that made him famous, that of youtube videos. He came back after the war with Canada with four smash hits, "Milking the Goat", "Zombies Were People But Now They're Target's", "Sluge-berry", and "69-ing on a Motorcycle." No comment has been made by Mr. Lajoie about the inspiration of these music videos, but the very graphic gore and porn included in them has struck a cord with millions.
Jon Lajoie rode his second success wave to be elected warlord of Sacramento and Las Vegas provinces, and poured money into the entertainment industry. He now writes, produces, and stars in no fewer than 17 internet shows and movies, almost all of which are comedies. His story is hopefully one of many previously entitled actors who manage to gain even more power and influence after the nukes fell. But hey, we love Jon, he's our comic relief.

Day 149: Denver, future capital of the Free West

Colorado has been fortunate to have been sparred some of the more destructive elements that have plagued the land. It has avoided the most devastating Canadian raids buy moose men, has not received too much trouble from the dogzilla creatures of Las Vegas. But buy far the most incredible thing about Colorado is that its capital, Denver, is the only city that has not descended into chaos or the grip of militia control. It is, really, the only free city left in our former country.

Denver a year ago

Denver today. image from dpmovers.com

It is kind of ironic to see that a city so close to military positions in the Rockies and an important east-west trade route could be so mellow. In Denver people are well aware of the hardship surrounding them but for some reason remain confident that they will not be troubled by it. They is this feeling among the locals that if their city could avoid being nuked it can avoid anything, and it seems to be working out for them. The military tore itself apart after the bombs went off and walked right through Denver on their way to the Pacific and Atlantic coasts, where many were killed with radiation poisoning. Not one member of Denver was ever diagnosed with radiation even though it drifted well over the Plains. As a result there were almost no zombies reported in Denver, or in most of Colorado.

The infrastructure in Denver was never dismantled, local government was still in effect. Denver even was able to hold mayoral elections a month ago. Wastelanders who visit the city for the first time cannot believe there is no wall around the city to protect it from zombies. People of Denver hope that their city will serve as a reminder of what humanity once was, and what it can become again.

Day 134: Canada Will Retreat When Pigs Fly

This situation feels like it deserves a Canadian bacon joke, but it would be too cliche. The sight of Sarah Palin getting dive-bombed by flying swine is all the humor needed.

Now imagine this thing airborn! (image from paizo.com)

Yes, Canada has retreated! The Mounties and Moose Men have been pushed back to Lake Michigan thanks to the help of an even crazier post-apocalyptic freak of nature, the Winged Boars of Newark. Animals growing weird body parts is not uncommon, in fact an animal born in the last four months is more likely to have 3 eyes instead of 2. These mutated animals however are usually super strong, bad tempered and hard to train. The fact that the Canadian invaders could train moose to fight that quickly was one of the reasons they were able to blitzkrieg across the mid-west so quickly.

But just as the mutated moose with sharpened bloody antlers has come to symbolize Canada's military fury, so does the flying swine symbolize America's. The boars, specially bred in the heart of New Jersey, have been trained to fly carrying special bombs that are released by remote when over a target. Even without bombs the boars know how to drop radio active fecal matter on enemy forces that eats into human flesh. Sarah Palin, Canada's newly elected Tyrant in Chief, was caught on pig-cam getting a hit in the face with one such attack, and having half her face melt off like that Nazi's in Raiders of the Lost Ark.

Here's to all those pigs on the Jersey Shore.

Day 111: The slave traders

     Who would have thought that the Amish would ever be significant? Indeed though they are. Deep in Pennsylvania, in the laid back hills where zombies and radiation is at some of the lowest levels on the coast, they have made a name for themselves. Industry is destroyed, what little infrastructure left is fought over like vultures over a piece of roadkill. The Amish, used to living simple and working hard, have helped tens of thousands to survive in return for protection, not believing in violence themselves. At first this awkward truce worked out well, but now its unlikely to continue.
     Slave traders, frequently capturing wastelanders and raiding small settlements, have begun scamming Amish and some Quaker communities. It is normal for one of these villages to hire mercenaries for protection in exchange for food and shelter. What some devious slavers have done is pose as hired guns to gain access to the village, then will signal a larger force hidden in the distance to move in and capture the entire village to be sold as slaves. Sometimes these slavers will not even move the community, just put them in chains and tracking devices then force them to grow food and livestock for their own use. These modern overseers are far from a laughing matter
      While slaving is outlawed in most of the major cities and in New Canada, smaller districts with their own militias have various laws that often allow 18th century-style slavery. Pity to those slavers who fall to abolitionists however. Its also not uncommon for wastelanders to come into a city with tales of getting captured by slavers only to wake up the next morning with their bonds cut- and their captors throats cut. The Amish however, will take a long time to start trusting outsiders again.

Day 89: Canadian Invasion!

      They ride at night like many evil specters swooping down the highway. In the deep woods their snipers and moose men make even the deadliest tribes and clans tremble. Yes ladies and gentlemen, Canada has invaded, and the New New England is gearing up for the coming blitzkrieg of these snow monkeys.

We thought she died in the Oval Office. Now she's back for blood

      Before the nukes fell the worst thing to come out of Canada was Pamela Anderson. The Canadian Mounty Brigade has killed more than she ever could however. The Mounty Brigade, or M&M's for Mad Mounties as some have called them, have expanded out of former Saskatchewan province to control a little more than half of Canada. What is worse, they are being lead by a bat-shit crazy modern day Benedict Arnold- the evil Sarah Palin!  Ten days ago they turned their attention south and began pushing into tribal territories in North Dakota, Michigan, New York, Maine, and along the West Coast all the way the the ruins of San Francisco.

      The mounties ride Harleys equipped with heavy machine guns and RP-G’s but far more terrifying are the moose men, who wield long-range shotguns and ride on moose with razor-sharp antlers. Only the largest and strongest militias can withstand them. Currently the invasion has slowed but this is mainly attributed to M&M forces regrouping. With no unity among the clans and militias it may take months or even years before Canadian forced to withdraw its forces.

Day 63: Apocalypse Rap

Even during the end of civilization, people gotta have their playlists on their ipods. Music and media apparently are the one bit of culture that humanity still refuses to do without. Pirate radio stations and internet music videos have become even more popular, now that the internet is one of the last sources of entertainment, and radio towers are fairly easy to convert to broadcasting towers. Mostly artists can gain a small local following but with the collapse of the music industry the energy in music now has to come from pure emotion. For some, that makes it all the better. The following is a clip from a local rapper in the DC area.

Day 59: Food. More importantly, how to get it

Well, lets face it, the best way to get food is to become a cannibal. People are apparently much more stupid since the world became a giant trough of human beings driven to living on the extreme edge, which is not as glamorous as it sounds. Too many times travelers fall for prey to cannibal tribes who reportedly rarely go hungry. For those who cannot stomach that, there are limited options. Hunting and foraging are the most typical forms of keeping ones belly filled now when in the wasteland. Some settlements have rudimentary markets, but even rarer is a large scale farm. The most common food is squirrel and deer meat, which are no longer easy to get now that deer have developed a taste for human flesh.

For edible plants, loss of large scale farming and agriculture world-wide have forced many to either rely on foraging cults who sometimes trade at settlements, or grow their own food, the most common being giant radioactive mushrooms that thrive everywhere. Many believed that looting stores and supermarkets would sustain them after the chaos. It is an idea that is devalued every time a smart wastelander drives by a store filled with corpses crawling out, having spent their last moments hoping to find a can of beans. All food has long since been looted from stores, remember that, and spend energy looking for food in proper places.