Day 169: Comic Relief

Let's face it: when 90% of Hollywood was wiped out most of the survivors were glad of it. Reality TV suddenly took a way back seat to actual reality. But now months later, citizens of the wastelands are once again turning on their screens to be entertained by stand-up comics and strangely quaint TV shows. The ring master of this new wave of fun is none other than the funniest surviving comic on the continent, Jon Lajoie.

Long believed captured by a tribe of savage horny Amazon warriors in the first days of armaggedon, Jon has in fact been underground reviving the very same art that made him famous, that of youtube videos. He came back after the war with Canada with four smash hits, "Milking the Goat", "Zombies Were People But Now They're Target's", "Sluge-berry", and "69-ing on a Motorcycle." No comment has been made by Mr. Lajoie about the inspiration of these music videos, but the very graphic gore and porn included in them has struck a cord with millions.
Jon Lajoie rode his second success wave to be elected warlord of Sacramento and Las Vegas provinces, and poured money into the entertainment industry. He now writes, produces, and stars in no fewer than 17 internet shows and movies, almost all of which are comedies. His story is hopefully one of many previously entitled actors who manage to gain even more power and influence after the nukes fell. But hey, we love Jon, he's our comic relief.

Day 149: Denver, future capital of the Free West

Colorado has been fortunate to have been sparred some of the more destructive elements that have plagued the land. It has avoided the most devastating Canadian raids buy moose men, has not received too much trouble from the dogzilla creatures of Las Vegas. But buy far the most incredible thing about Colorado is that its capital, Denver, is the only city that has not descended into chaos or the grip of militia control. It is, really, the only free city left in our former country.

Denver a year ago

Denver today. image from dpmovers.com

It is kind of ironic to see that a city so close to military positions in the Rockies and an important east-west trade route could be so mellow. In Denver people are well aware of the hardship surrounding them but for some reason remain confident that they will not be troubled by it. They is this feeling among the locals that if their city could avoid being nuked it can avoid anything, and it seems to be working out for them. The military tore itself apart after the bombs went off and walked right through Denver on their way to the Pacific and Atlantic coasts, where many were killed with radiation poisoning. Not one member of Denver was ever diagnosed with radiation even though it drifted well over the Plains. As a result there were almost no zombies reported in Denver, or in most of Colorado.

The infrastructure in Denver was never dismantled, local government was still in effect. Denver even was able to hold mayoral elections a month ago. Wastelanders who visit the city for the first time cannot believe there is no wall around the city to protect it from zombies. People of Denver hope that their city will serve as a reminder of what humanity once was, and what it can become again.

Day 134: Canada Will Retreat When Pigs Fly

This situation feels like it deserves a Canadian bacon joke, but it would be too cliche. The sight of Sarah Palin getting dive-bombed by flying swine is all the humor needed.

Now imagine this thing airborn! (image from paizo.com)

Yes, Canada has retreated! The Mounties and Moose Men have been pushed back to Lake Michigan thanks to the help of an even crazier post-apocalyptic freak of nature, the Winged Boars of Newark. Animals growing weird body parts is not uncommon, in fact an animal born in the last four months is more likely to have 3 eyes instead of 2. These mutated animals however are usually super strong, bad tempered and hard to train. The fact that the Canadian invaders could train moose to fight that quickly was one of the reasons they were able to blitzkrieg across the mid-west so quickly.

But just as the mutated moose with sharpened bloody antlers has come to symbolize Canada's military fury, so does the flying swine symbolize America's. The boars, specially bred in the heart of New Jersey, have been trained to fly carrying special bombs that are released by remote when over a target. Even without bombs the boars know how to drop radio active fecal matter on enemy forces that eats into human flesh. Sarah Palin, Canada's newly elected Tyrant in Chief, was caught on pig-cam getting a hit in the face with one such attack, and having half her face melt off like that Nazi's in Raiders of the Lost Ark.

Here's to all those pigs on the Jersey Shore.

Day 111: The slave traders

     Who would have thought that the Amish would ever be significant? Indeed though they are. Deep in Pennsylvania, in the laid back hills where zombies and radiation is at some of the lowest levels on the coast, they have made a name for themselves. Industry is destroyed, what little infrastructure left is fought over like vultures over a piece of roadkill. The Amish, used to living simple and working hard, have helped tens of thousands to survive in return for protection, not believing in violence themselves. At first this awkward truce worked out well, but now its unlikely to continue.
     Slave traders, frequently capturing wastelanders and raiding small settlements, have begun scamming Amish and some Quaker communities. It is normal for one of these villages to hire mercenaries for protection in exchange for food and shelter. What some devious slavers have done is pose as hired guns to gain access to the village, then will signal a larger force hidden in the distance to move in and capture the entire village to be sold as slaves. Sometimes these slavers will not even move the community, just put them in chains and tracking devices then force them to grow food and livestock for their own use. These modern overseers are far from a laughing matter
      While slaving is outlawed in most of the major cities and in New Canada, smaller districts with their own militias have various laws that often allow 18th century-style slavery. Pity to those slavers who fall to abolitionists however. Its also not uncommon for wastelanders to come into a city with tales of getting captured by slavers only to wake up the next morning with their bonds cut- and their captors throats cut. The Amish however, will take a long time to start trusting outsiders again.

Day 89: Canadian Invasion!

      They ride at night like many evil specters swooping down the highway. In the deep woods their snipers and moose men make even the deadliest tribes and clans tremble. Yes ladies and gentlemen, Canada has invaded, and the New New England is gearing up for the coming blitzkrieg of these snow monkeys.

We thought she died in the Oval Office. Now she's back for blood

      Before the nukes fell the worst thing to come out of Canada was Pamela Anderson. The Canadian Mounty Brigade has killed more than she ever could however. The Mounty Brigade, or M&M's for Mad Mounties as some have called them, have expanded out of former Saskatchewan province to control a little more than half of Canada. What is worse, they are being lead by a bat-shit crazy modern day Benedict Arnold- the evil Sarah Palin!  Ten days ago they turned their attention south and began pushing into tribal territories in North Dakota, Michigan, New York, Maine, and along the West Coast all the way the the ruins of San Francisco.

      The mounties ride Harleys equipped with heavy machine guns and RP-G’s but far more terrifying are the moose men, who wield long-range shotguns and ride on moose with razor-sharp antlers. Only the largest and strongest militias can withstand them. Currently the invasion has slowed but this is mainly attributed to M&M forces regrouping. With no unity among the clans and militias it may take months or even years before Canadian forced to withdraw its forces.

Day 63: Apocalypse Rap

Even during the end of civilization, people gotta have their playlists on their ipods. Music and media apparently are the one bit of culture that humanity still refuses to do without. Pirate radio stations and internet music videos have become even more popular, now that the internet is one of the last sources of entertainment, and radio towers are fairly easy to convert to broadcasting towers. Mostly artists can gain a small local following but with the collapse of the music industry the energy in music now has to come from pure emotion. For some, that makes it all the better. The following is a clip from a local rapper in the DC area.

Day 59: Food. More importantly, how to get it

Well, lets face it, the best way to get food is to become a cannibal. People are apparently much more stupid since the world became a giant trough of human beings driven to living on the extreme edge, which is not as glamorous as it sounds. Too many times travelers fall for prey to cannibal tribes who reportedly rarely go hungry. For those who cannot stomach that, there are limited options. Hunting and foraging are the most typical forms of keeping ones belly filled now when in the wasteland. Some settlements have rudimentary markets, but even rarer is a large scale farm. The most common food is squirrel and deer meat, which are no longer easy to get now that deer have developed a taste for human flesh.

For edible plants, loss of large scale farming and agriculture world-wide have forced many to either rely on foraging cults who sometimes trade at settlements, or grow their own food, the most common being giant radioactive mushrooms that thrive everywhere. Many believed that looting stores and supermarkets would sustain them after the chaos. It is an idea that is devalued every time a smart wastelander drives by a store filled with corpses crawling out, having spent their last moments hoping to find a can of beans. All food has long since been looted from stores, remember that, and spend energy looking for food in proper places.

Day 44: Humans vs. Cannibals vs. Zombies

It is truly amazing how clueless some people can be about the perils of the New North America. 'Know your enemy' has more meaning than ever now, and yet there are still survivors of the nukes who are turning into corpses in this world because they are unable to adapt. Here is a tip if you are one of them; there is a big difference between cannibals and zombies, and not knowing it can cost you your life.

Cannibalism is a rapidly growing concern in the southwest and along the former Canadian border. It is starting to creep east as the tribes food dries up, and there are unconfirmed reports of Appalachian mountain tribes abducting people for food as well. They raid settlements, trick survivors and put drugs in food, so basically they will try any technique to eat people and loot their stuff. Yes, they can speak perfectly fine! Do not expect a cannibal to look like a Tarzan and start chasing you down yelling like the former howler monkey.

There is a simple way to know if it is a zombie or a cannibal, and help yourself survive. If it limps, has missing limbs, groans, and is covered in blood and rags, its a zombie. If it walks up no one has seen it before, introduces itself but doesn't say where its from, is overly friendly and offers you food, you shouldn't trust it anyway and it is most likely a cannibal, or a con artist.

Day 34: Flying Machine Tips

fictional apocalypse airplane, drawn before the apocalypse

For the more industrial citizen of the apocalyptic wasteland, a car can be an inadequate vehicle. Who wants to drive through dangerous territory in an exposed car when under six months ago jets were breaking the sound barrier? Aircraft have started to make a comeback recently in the sky, as more are getting recovered and repaired. The road is dangerous, but the sky always gives you an edge.

Scavenging a functioning bicycle is difficult enough, so where is someone supposed to get an aircraft? Most major airstrips have been pillaged of everything up to the copper wire in the wall, or if they are in tact, guarded like Fort Knox and Buckingham Palace combined. Only the para-military units and the strongest gangs can hold a major airport, and as a result control most of the remaining post-nuke airplanes. Because of this it is necessary to find an aircraft that does not require an air field, like a pontoon plane if near the coast or a helicopter if inland and in rough terrain.

Helicopters, while slower, offer more maneuverability in dogfights or air-to-ground combat. The more obliterated areas are not likely to have a runway for airplanes to land on. This wont affect a small airplane that can land in a nearby lake but that is a big chance to take. For any aircraft however the most essential thing to remember is the need for fuel. This land has turned into a dry Bic lighter that everyone is trying to flick for one last flame. Beware of straining your supplies if a car can actually do the job just as well. An easy solution is to use a less wasteful aircraft like a hot air balloon, which in turn would make the user a ridiculously easy target. Stealth and street smarts are what keep wastelanders alive now.

Day 21: The groups you may encounter

     Any survivor who thinks his gun and his pickup truck are going to be enough to sustain him in the wasteland is sure to be eaten by zombies or become a radioactive corpse within five days. 

     Just because someone has everything they need in the nuclear wasteland does not mean they know how to utilize it to its maximum potential, and certainly not alone. Cities along the East Coast such as Boston are destroyed and crawling with danger, not big empty cities still in tact waiting to be looted as some might think. The truth is those are the most heavily bombed areas, with whole communities gone and radiation blanketing the surrounding area. Any one who lived through the destruction and poisoned environment knew that there was safety in numbers, and with the lack of a government or police force the gangs and militias sprouted up like giant nuclear mushrooms.

     In the center of Boston in particular there is one of the most savage packs in the Northeast, made up punk survivors and radiated escaped inmates. They call themselves the Green Monstahs, and true to their name they have erected massive barriers throughout the city, painting them green. This is a defense tactic against a larger, better organized gang called the United Peoples Army, though the only reason they are united appears to be the iron-fisted leadership of there insane commander Richard Hertz, formerly a general in the now extinct United States Army. While he claims to be the highest ranking leader left alive after the Bombing it is only propaganda, as his power does not go farther than New York City, where no fewer than five warring gangs fight for control and fight a zombie horde that numbers in the tens of thousands across in New Jersey. 

Green Monstahs; imagine a more sinister looking,

 shotgun toting figure

     Beyond that, the rest of the country is still unknown, and not one survivor, even those with salvaged computers can truly say what is happening beyond the lines on the map. Right here and now though, there is a key phrase that is graffiti-sprayed in the outskirts of most East Coast cities that sums up the situation: safety in numbers.

Day 12

Wasteland Road Rage: Choosing a post-apocalyptic vehicle

In the event of a nuclear explosion massive amounts of people vacate to cities, stuffing themselves into their cars only to get caught in traffic and forced to walk on foot, leaving their vehicles behind on the road. It is the leftover remnants of the tidal wave of people, desperate to escape from the radiation who clogged all the major highways once the first bomb went off. It is tragic to look at, but same time roads clogged with this many vehicles are a great place to look for a suitable post-apocalyptic set of wheels.

Route 114 in Danvers MA is littered with abandoned cars, trucks, buses, military convoys, motorcycles, even dune buggies. In addition car dealerships that lined 114 still have brand new cars in their lots completely untouched, except for the occasional smashed window. A big truck or hummer might seem like the obvious choice, but there are other factors to consider besides raw power. Speed is an element a survivor needs when running from zombies or when being chased by gangs of marauders. A vehicle needs to be fast, so any truck or larger SUV that has a slow start-up speed should not be considered, especially when traveling through city areas.

from geekologie.com. It may be tough but when this runs out of gas

 your

 left with an immobile bunker

Do not sacrifice safety for speed however. Motorcycles and dune buggies are more suitable for traveling light over long distances, preferably in the Western part of the former United States. On the East Coast something that falls in the middle category is preferred, such as a light truck or a muscle car. For larger groups of survivors use convoys instead of a single large bus in case of car trouble. Jeeps are the standard for a post-apocalyptic world. They can be stripped down for speed and efficiency, built up for defense and assault, and can usually carry extra gasoline for when they eventually run dry or extra supplies.

Armoring a vehicle is usually best left to the survivors preferences and needs. If a fast, armored car is required use a truck with a high speed ratings and weld scrap metal over the windows and wheels. For plowing through debris and hordes of zombies in tight spaces, spiked grills and monster truck tires are useful. Bullet-proof siding is useful against wasteland fiends who are well armed but completely unnecessary against zombies or radioactive monsters as they have no bullets to shoot.

Best of luck out there, survivor.

Day 9: Preparation

Made it back to the bunker today. Now the real work begins. I have seen enough to realize that if I am going to survive in this radiated world I need to be prepared much better. Back at my bunker I found all of the supplies I wish I had taken with me, and for good reason. The first thing I needed was glass of water and a bite to eat, but I found what would be one of my most important survival tools hanging on the wall where I left it; an AK-47.

Survival so far has consisted of fighting off radiated zombies, but there’s more than undead hordes that could end your life in the post-apocalyptic world. Gangs of marauders, mutated plants and animals, and of course the ever present threat of fallout radiation. Back at my bunker I figured out just how much supplies I had abandoned in my first flight that I would need.

The first thing on the list was the AK-47. My rifle was certainly more accurate, but what is really needed in the apocalypse is heavier firepower. Accuracy means little when facing multiple adversaries with a single-shot gun that needs to be reloaded every five rounds. The AK's reputation as a user-friendly, incredibly durable machine gun is unmatched in the firearm world. It is a gun for, as Samuel Jackson said in Jackie Brown “when you got to kill every mother- in the room.” Ammo is plentiful, and the magazine of an AK is easy to load and replace.

While a good gun would deal with zombies and any adversaries who might want to cut and gut anyone they see, the environment is also something that could kill. In any good medical kit (yes they are very essential) a survivor who hopes to live out the apocalypse will need some potassium iodide pills. The most common thing that radiation will attack in the body is the thyroid, a reason why many who die from nuclear accidents have thyroid cancer as the direct cause of death. Potassium iodide keeps the glands in the thyroid protected. The second essential piece of medical equipment are water purifying tabs. The odds are their won't be any safe water to drink in stores or buildings, especially in a city or place with no nearby bodies of water. Even then the odds are it will be polluted or contain radiation. Purifying tabs are a must for obtaining clean water when methods like boiling it are too time consuming. 

 

For other gear, a survivor should stock up on clothing. Boots are a must, particularly combat boots, good for running trekking through dangerous terrain and of course giving a swift kick to an undead brain-sucker. Helmets are useful but not very practical, as you are unlikely to be facing flying shrapnel or heavy explosions. Helmets are only useful when driving at breakneck speed across the wasteland or climbing a mountain slope. In most other circumstances a gas mask is better, keeping yourself safe from the deadly fumes and pockets of gas that might kill you.

Survival in the post apocalypse is tricky. Anyone who lives through the nuclear explosions is going to face numerous threats to their existence after wards. For more information check out US Armed Forces Nuclear, Biological, and Chemical Survival Manual by Dick Couch, filled with information that can help one survive. A plan is essential even if the odds are against it. Once I finish gathering up the gear I need my plan is to travel south along the coast, hoping to find civilization. Hopefully these tips will help you to, fellow survivor.

Day 7: returning to the bunker

I couldn't be sure, but something told me the increase in mushrooms growing in the region has got to do with radiation. I couldn't know how much radiation had escaped from what the media had dubbed the disaster sites. The closest nuke that had gone off closest to where I was would be in upstate New York, so it might have traveled in the wind over the state. At any rate I managed to get a signal on my laptop, allowing me to get online and research these weird fungi. The first thing that caught my attention was an article of a robot that had come back from the Chernobyl reactor site with samples of black fungus growing on the inside of the wall. This seemed similar to what I saw but these mushrooms were far passed what this robot had brought. Each one was almost a as wide as my shoe, jet black but with a surface so shiny it reflected light. I have been trying to avoid them, which is hard because right now I am staring at a field of them I must traverse to continue with my journey back to my bunker.

Shaking off the zombies was easier than I anticipated. I was over the border into New Hampshire and hadn't seen one zombie for over two hours since crossing it. The zombies endurance seems to be weakened by their lack of food. At first this was good news, but it made me realized; had the zombies already eaten everyone else? How long would I travel before seeing an undead face? Just how destroyed was our civilization? I had been in the bunker for almost five weeks after the riots had turned into killing fields, and the radio broadcasts had stopped ten days after I had gone in. how long did it take our civilization to eat itself?

Not wanting to stop, I made my way to a mountain in a state park I had been to, partially walking and then riding on an abandoned bicycle the rest of the way. It wasn't until the next morning I had arrived at the summit, staring down into a valley that had no signs of life in it. I waited until night, hoping to see a light of some sort, shouted out in case someone heard me but it was useless. The surrounding area was deserted.

harsh terrain and cold climates can help slow down attacking zombies

When I came down again I found my shouting had not attracted people but more undead. It was only my knowledge of the terrain that allowed me to fight them off. This time I was even less prepared, and I left behind my bike and many of my supplies in my escape. I ran north-east, losing them again, and that is when I started finding these fields of black mushrooms.

imagine this, but as big as the sole of your shoe

The fungi found at Chernobyl thrives off eating harmful radiation. Once again I am not sure whether to take this as good or bad news. If this is the same fungus is it eating the radiation and making the area decontaminated? Or does this mean I have been walking through a more heavily radiated area than before? This is not fungus like mold but full grown mushrooms, so if they do thrive off radiation this had to be one of the heaviest hit areas. Are they safe to eat? Supposedly the fungus eats away at radiation, similar to the way maggots were once used to eat harmful bacteria off of open wounds. These mushrooms might be a good source of food in the near future, since so much plant life has been extinguished.

A view of the Chernobyl fungi cells through a microscope

Right now it does not matter much, because if I don't make it back to my bunker to resupply I doubt my chances of survival. I haven't seen any animals I can hunt, little vegetation besides the black mushrooms, and most important I am running out of clean water. My ammunition is so low I wouldn't want to risk losing a bullet hunting. I have seen more signs of zombies since turning south again. I will walk around the field of black mushrooms then continue in the direction of the highway. Its only 18 miles back to the Merrimac valley, but I also have to think of a plan for the zombies I know will be waiting for me in that area.

Here's hoping I make it to my next blog post.

-the survivor of the Merrimac Valley

For more information on radiation-eating fungus, click here or here

Lowell's Parking Predicament

Words used to describe the availability of parking at Umass Lowell are rarely words of praise. Some of the students I spoke to said "its improved from last year" and "I can find a space usually." More common were phrases such as "it sucks" "I'm not getting my money's worth" and "If I can't find parking I don't go to class." With the start of a new Fall semester, and increase in the number of freshmen with cars, and overall traffic in the city being worse than ever in recent memory, a place to park your car is of increasing importance to many students in the college.
I spoke to three students, one commuter and two residents with cars, about the conditions of finding a parking space for their vehicles. Evie, a resident with a parking sticker, expressed her outrage at only being able to park at the resident hall where she lived. "The ___ shuttles never arrive on time, and if i could drive to South campus I could actually get there on time for my 8 a.m. class. its ___ that I pay over 200 bucks, and still can't get to class on time." South Campus seemed to be a focal point in many students eyes. Its far from both North and East campuses and is located next to a major traffic junction in Lowell. The main parking lot on South fills up quickly, despite it being one of the largest at the college. Everyone seems to leave between 3:30 and 5, at the same time many people are returning from work, creating even more traffic that slows down school shuttles. Even with this most students prefer taking there car than relying on school transportation.
"Traffic is ___ horrible when I try to leave, but at least they limited to number of freshmen who can park on South." said Sandra, a commuter who parks on South. "When I get here early in the morning, like 7:30-8 o'clock, I can usually find a space at the back of the lot. If you come around 9:30 to 10 though your ___, the whole place is packed." Sandra also described parking on North campus, which has only one commuter parking lot. "Last year I would have to circle the lot, waiting for people to walk back to their cars and taking their spot. I was never on time for my class on North." The idea that students can have cars at the school and commute from home is to increase convenience for them, but is the convenience really that much? It is more accurate to say that these parking lots were useful when they were first built, but they have not increased as the schools population has, creating an 'early bird gets the worm' scenario. Not a fair system when your asking all those birds to pay over 200 dollars for the chance to get a worm (the worm being a good parking space).
Nick, another resident with a vehicle on campus, noted the irony of having a car that could easily take him from the resident hall to campus in 5 minutes, but having to wait 30 minutes for a school shuttle because he is not allowed to park in commuter parking lots. "I can only park in the tiny parking lot behind the Hess station on South, and that only has like 12 spots so there's never parking there. From East Meadow Lane Apartments to South its like a 5 minute drive, but I have to take a school shuttle that has 4 other stops before it goes to South, its ridiculous." When the limited parking, heavy traffic and inability to use a car to go from one campus to the next is taking into account its hard to view having a car at school as a serious benefit. All of the people I spoke to use their vehicles not as a way to get to class but as a way to get to there jobs after class. Paying over 200 dollars to guarantee I can get to my job after class isn't a convenience, its highway robbery.

ever seen the south campus lot this empty? chances are not when you need a space!